Eat My Words - The Kitchen Sink

Microsoft Not Equipped for Equipt

Microsoft's newest offering, previously code named "Albany" or rather optimistically "Valuebox" has been announced.  It is.......Equipt.  Now, Equipt is a real word, but not the common spelling.  What we find funny is that when you type "Equipt" into Microsoft Office products it gets flagged with that little red wavy line underneath it indicating it is misspelled.   

Here is the company line on the chosen name: "The name comes from the idea that the package will help customers "equip their PC with a core set of services", said Bryson Gordon, a group product manager for Microsoft Office. "It resonated well with customers in testing."  We're guessing these are the same "consumers" that thought the whole Vista thing resonated too.  What Mr. Gordon doesn't say is that once you get those core services you have to pay licensing fees for them year after year or they turn off.  In other words, Equipt rhymes with ripped, if you get our meaning

While there are worse names out there, Equipt fails several items on the SMILE & SCRATCH test and does not get our blessing, or our business.

Namethis.com - $99 for a name and a laugh

The aptly named company Kluster FKC is using trying to use crowdsourcing (and $1 million) to name companies via their second venture, Namethis.com (their first crowdsourcing venture, Knewsroom went kaput in 37 days...ouch). 

For $99, Namethis.com claims to give you three world-validated names for your thingamajig in 48 hours.

We had no idea that "world-validated" was an euphemism for "really awful names in any language even if it isn't a real word, means anything or is even pronounceable".  Here are some of the "winning" world-validated names created so far:

• Eaternet - first wireless pay-at-the table entertainment device
• Magnapeutic - therapeutic magnet patches
• iChews - individualized cereal in the mail
• Vestisa - investment management company for the people
• Encompa - online strategy/consulting firm
• Beauternity - beauty and anti-aging website
• el-goog - reversed web searching 
• G.E.C. (Global.Energy.Climate) - climate change charity

We don't want to live in a world where a word like Beauternity is validated.

While we will acknowledge that $99 is a bargain compared with what you might pay elsewhere for similar  names, there are several issues.

1. The names suck.
2. They have given no legal consideration (see el-goog  above who will have Google sending one of their friendly cease and desist orders around five seconds after their website goes live).
3. Anyone can just go on the website and snatch names for free.  Why they would is a different issue.
4. The names suck.
5. Namethis.com makes about $20/name (after paying the crowdsourcers or is it crowdsourcee?).  Accordingly, the volume would have to be huge to make any real money for their investors, which seems unlikely.
6. Our friends at Wordlab already have a website doing essentially the same thing for free.
7. Did we mention the names suck?
8. Every name fails the SMILE & SCRATCH Test.

We don't know if crowdsourcing in general can be successfully monetized over the long run, but we will be very surprised if Namethis.com survives. BTW, their 37th day is July 13.

Alas, Name Mangler is not one of our Competitor's

We recently ran across this company, and thought that at last, one of our competitor's was fessing up with a descriptive name of what they do.   However, it is not a naming company but a file naming utility. Ah well.  Just in case, these URL's were available this morning, if any of you guy's want to snap them up.

• WTFNames.Com
• StinkyNames.Com
• VileNaming.Com
• EwwThatsYourName.Com
• YouNamedItWhat.Com
• THATIsWhatIPaidFor.Com

As a refresher, take another look at our competitor's work (a PDF file), take a Bromo and give us a call.  Our names go down easy, taste good on the palate and won't back up on you.  You will want to come back for seconds.

To assist you in the selection of a main course, here is our SMILE & SCRATCH Test to whet your appetite:

The secret to powerful, unforgettable and sticky brand names is simple, "A name should make you smile, instead of scratch your head." We evaluate every name we create based on this no-brainer philosophy - and now you can too with the new Eat My Words SMILE  and SCRATCH Test^TM. Run your own product and company names through the test and see how they hold up. It's not as easy as it sounds. Most names fail because they are spelling-challenged, hard to pronounce, and meaningless to customers who don't know Latin (which is just about everyone except for Alexandra's mother). So cancel your focus groups and use this criteria any time you're trying to objectively evaluate a name. You'll instantly be able to see if you have a winning name or if you should scratch it off your list.

SMILE – the qualities of a powerful name
Simple – easy to spell, say, and understand
Meaningful – your customers instantly "get it"
Imagery – visually evocative - creates a picture in your mind
Legs – carries brand, rich wordplay, brand-extensions
Emotional – empowers, entertains, engages, enlightens

SCRATCH - scratch if it has any of these deal-breakers
Spelling-challenged - it's not spelled the way it sounds
Copycat – similar to competitor's names
Random – disconnected from the brand
Annoying – hidden meaning, forced
Tame – flat, uninspired, non-emotional, boring
Curse of Knowledge – only insiders get it
Hard-to-pronounce - not obvious, relies on punctuation

All of our names pass the test: Spoon Me, Neato, Monkey Dunks, Cake Financial, Dizzywood, Dash, and countless others. Do yours?

Biggest Mistakes When Choosing a Domain Name/Company Name

As long as I'm on my soap box writing about annoying Naymz (next post), here are some mistakes to avoid when choosing a name for your company and a domain name to go along with it:

1. Don't name your company something just because the domain name is available on GoDaddy for $9.95
2. Don't give up on a great company name if the domain is taken or out of your price range... unless you are a 100% online business (e.g. Amazon, Fandango, Priceline, OpenTable) simply use a modifier (www.___online.com, www.drink_____.com, www.______inc.) - trust us, your customers won't care and they will still be able to find you
   
3. Don't get a domain name that is spelled differently than it sounds Naymz, Takkle)
4. Don't get cute and try to be like Flickr - unless you have a million dollar ad budget, you can't afford to leave out vowels
5. Don't put dots in your name like del.icio.us - it's dated, annoying and impossible to remember where the dots go
6. Don't come up with your name over a bottle of wine

The not so "100% unfooled around with" Simply Orange tagline

One of the things you should be cognizant of when naming your company or devising your company slogan is not to paint yourself into a corner.  This lesson has been learned by Simply Orange®. When the company was started in 2001, they were just that, Simply Orange® (Juice) with the slogan “100% unfooled around with.”   

This was reinforced by copy on their website saying “…our recipe is simplicity itself: Do not sweeten. Do not concentrate. Do not disturb. Just let oranges be oranges. And let their taste speak for itself.”

Clear enough, right? Well, in April 2003 they changed their slogan to “Simply unfooled around with."  It could be that this change was a nod to a little fooling around they do as evidenced by some added verbiage on their website “ All Simply Orange® varieties are gently pasteurized and loaded with a full day's supply of Vitamin C ." (the gently pasteurized part was not on their website before).  We're all for  heating liquids for the purpose of destroying bacteria, protozoa, molds and yeasts, but it is definitely not 100% unfooled around with. 

Then in February 2006 the slogan disappeared altogether on their homepage. This may have been changed to account for new not orange products  Simply Lemonade™ and Simply Limeade™  which were introduced in March 2006.  These new products have to be fooled around with or you would not be able to drink them (go ahead, bite into a  lemon).  Remember, these are the  Simply Orange® people who are now selling other simple fruits.

In January 2008 they changed the slogan again to “Honestly simple.” and added Simply Grapefruit, and Simply Apple  to their lineup. The also have trademarked Simply Cider, Simply Apple Cider and Simply Refreshing Tea,  meaning they are perhaps simply going to add to their now not so simple menu.

Now there is news that Simply Orange® is augmenting their previously unfooled around with pasteurized orange juice with two new products:  Simply Orange with Mango and Simply Orange with Pineapple, to be introduced in August 2008.  This from the company that told us back in 2001 that  they were going to "let oranges be oranges." 

We guess they are going to have to  change that to "let oranges be oranges except when we put in Mango or Pineapple, then it’s fooled around with, otherwise, you know it’s not fooled around with except for the pasteurizing thing we talked about before."

In summary, here is the progression of slogans:

• 100% unfooled around with.

• Simply unfooled around with.

• Honestly Simple.

Here are some free suggestions for future slogan changes:

• Simple? Not so much.
• It’s really not that Simple anymore.
• Honestly, it used to be simple.
• We should have looked up what Simply meant before we used it.
• We’re not 100% behind the whole Simple thing
• Life used to be simple when we just unfooled around with oranges.
• Too late we found out that nothing rhymes with Orange
• Hey! Look over there!
• Orange of the Species.
• Simply fruit and, um, refreshing ice tea which is not a fruit but sometimes people will put in a slice of lemon, so you know, there is some connection to fruit.

The moral of  the story is to pick a name/slogan that allows your company to breath and that breathes life into your company. All it takes is one call.  Now , that’s simple.

 

What's the (exclamation) point, SOLUT!

Granted, this company is not well known, or particularly interesting, but we can't pass up a bad name when we run across it.  In our sights today is Duracorp (hello 1950's!!) who have announced that they are changing their name, logo and tagline, all of which is included in one graphic on the right.
Some comments about the new name "SOLUT!".

Erik O’Neil, Vice President of Sales, says “only our name has changed to better reflect the brand essence of our growing company, and we are committed to responding quickly to the packaging needs of our customers with creative solutions”  OK, now how is that?!!!  We are of the opinion that reasons for name changes have to make sense and not be some blah blah blah MBA speak about brand essence.  How about "Duracorp frankly just bored us to death and made us sound like a 1950's company out of a business management textbook, and the best thing we could come up with unfortunately was SOLUT!."

The exclamation mark in both the name and the tagline?   Why is that?  Are we supposed to be excited about buying your thermoformed paper products ?   Does your receptionist answer the phone with an loud cheerleaderish "SOLUT!"?  Leaving aside the unnecessary exclamation mark in the name, it becomes truly superfluous in the tagline (see SOLUT!ONS) unless it is a clue to where the hell the word SOLUT! came from.  In fact, the press release announcing the new name says  "the new name is derived from the word ‘solutions’, and better reflects  the core essence of the Company—responding quickly to provide creative solutions for the packaging needs of its customers."  Here and we thought thermoformed paper products was the core essence of the company.  How about THERMO! or PROD!

Compounding the artificial excitement is the all caps name.  As we know, USING ALL CAPS IS LIKE YELLING, SO NOW WE ARE YELLING THE NAME OF THE COMPANY EXCITEDLY --SOLUT!

Let's talk about the tagline, also in all caps, FORMING SUSTAINABLE SOLUT!ONS.  The only thing missing is an exclamation point at the end.  Well, that's not the only thing missing.  It's also missing the mark.  The company claims the new tagline is "to focus attention on its distinctive abilities to form uniquely designed paper based packaging solutions."  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz   How about, Not your mama's thermoformed paper products!, or something that elicits some emotion or inspiration.

Watch for the letter from V&S Vin & Sprit Aktiebolag's counsel (maker's of Absolut Vodka ), they are trademark protection pit bulls that go after anything sounding remotely like their name regardless of what your goods or services are. 

We dislike the injudicious use of exclamation points.  We DO enjoy the judicious use of them in, let's say, the Bloom logo though.  In a search of the USPTO database, we found 35,562 marks using !, 822 using !!, 355 using !!!, 10 using !!!!, 4 using !!!!!, 3 using !!!!!! and 2 using !!!!!!!!. Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, does SOLUT!  pass the Eat My Words  Scratch Test?

SCRATCH - scratch if it has any of these deal-breakers
Spelling-challenged - YES !
Copycat – similar to competitor's names - Not that we can tell
Random – disconnected from brand - YES!, although they did try!
Annoying – hidden meaning, forced  - YES!
Tame – flat, uninspired  - YES! Despite the exclamation!!!!!!
Curse of Knowledge –No, it's just cursed!!
Hard-to-pronounce  -Not really, but once you pronounce you are still in the dark!!!!!

So, if nailing just one of these is a deal-breaker, hitting on as many of these mistake makes it an instant inductee into the Name Shame Hall of Fame and a leading contender for our Head Scratcher of the Year contest.

TO VENT: Send your contender(s) for The Name Shame Hall of Fame to nameshame @ eatmywords dot com. (We won’t sell your email address to spammers, we promise.)

 

Compare the names of 30 naming firms in one little PDF.

Any naming firm can dazzle you with impressive lists of clients, slick presentations and puffed up mumbo jumbo about their patent-pending Verbal Identity Engineering process. But when it comes down to it, you're not hiring a naming firm for all the hoo-ha - you're hiring them to create the perfect name. For your convenience (and our amusement), we have compiled an anthology of names created by nearly 30 naming firms from ABC Namebank to Zenmark. This apples-to-apples comparison against Eat My Words is enlightening, entertaining and for the most part, totally horrifying. And as devilish as we are, we promise we did not pepper the list with fake names - these are straight from the websites of the respective naming firms. Don't wait another minute, download the PDF and see who can take credit for such doozies as Itzakadoozie, Hyyrus, Encysive, Opteum, Sageo, Piralta, and Phyve.

Xohm - a name that should've been X'd off the list

As the Easter Bunny makes his rounds, Sprint has brought us an egg of its own: Xohm (WiMax Service).  Eat My Words would like to extend Xohm a warm welcome to the Name Shame Hall of  Fame.

What does Xohm mean?  No one seems to know, even the executives of the company. Atish Gude, Sr. VP of mobile broadband operations for Xohm said the company chose Xohm "because a marketing company told it to." He goes on to say,  "we contracted with a company to come up with a very cool, cutting-edge name that really reflects what we're trying to do - which is mobilize the internet."  How does the name reflect that?  Gude calls it, "an empty vessel...We can make it out to be whatever we want."  That marketing (naming) agency in question is Zenmark, a self proclaimed "World-Class Verbal Design Agency." (They sound ripe for one of our Competitive  Spotlights.)

Sprint's John Polivka says Xohm is a made-up word, but Sprint fully intends to make Xohm a household name, hopefully spawning such usages as "Xohm me" or "meet me in the "Xohm."  Polivka goes on to say, "focus groups keyed in on the lead letter "X" for its "cool factor." Finally, Polivka says that " the end goal is for the new name to become synonymous with the mobile Internet just as Xerox has become synonymous with photocopying." (EMW:  Is he serious?  Meet me in the Xohm?  Cool Factor? Xerox?)

In various press release, Sprint says that Xohm is pronounced "Zoam." Others say "Zome." What we find amusing is that they tell us that Xohm is pronounced like two words that don't exist.

So, does Xohm pass the Eat My Words  Scratch Test?

SCRATCH - scratch if it has any of these deal-breakers
Spelling-challenged - yes it is, oh please yes
Copycat – similar to competitor's names - no, thank God
Random – disconnected from brand - yes, and from reality
Annoying – hidden meaning, forced  - blue ribbon here
Tame – flat, uninspired  - yes, despite  the "X" factor
Curse of Knowledge –no, not even insiders get it
Hard-to-pronounce  -yes, even with the tutorial

So, if nailing just one of these is a deal-breaker, hitting a home run on all of these mistakes it an instant inductee into the Name Shame Hall of Fame and a leading contender for our Head Scratcher of the Year contest. Note: the name is similar to last year's winner, Xobni. Starting a name with X is so 2007, or in the case of Xerox, so 1961.)

TO VENT: Send your contender(s) for The Name Shame Hall of Fame to nameshame @ eatmywords.com. (We won’t sell your email address to spammers, we promise.)

A lame duck and other names that make us cringe.

Here's the latest batch of "what were they smoking?"
Head Scratchers™ for the Name Shame Hall of Fame™.
Aflac
eHarmony
Inxight Federal Systems
esurance
Vehix
xpedx
Legal Zoom
With a Twyst
Aneres (Serena spelled backwards - get it?!!!) 
ALCiS (pain relief cream - ironic considering the painful name)

Many thanks to Three Girls Media, who have a knack for spotting really lame names and sending them in. Send your entries to nameshame@ eatmywords.com.

Lolita Bed for sexually active pre-teens!

LONDON (Reuters) - A chain of retail stores in Britain has withdrawn the sale of beds named Lolita and designed for six-year-old girls after furious parents pointed out that the name was synonymous with sexually active pre-teens.
    Woolworths said staff who administer the web site selling the beds were not aware of the connection.
    In "Lolita," a 1955 novel by Vladimir Nabokov, the narrator becomes sexually involved with his 12-year-old stepdaughter -- but Woolworths staff had not heard of the classic novel or two subsequent films based on it.
    Hence they saw nothing wrong with advertising the Lolita Midsleeper Combi, a whitewashed wooden bed with pull-out desk and cupboard intended for girls aged about six until a concerned mother raised the alarm on a parenting website.
    "What seems to have happened is the staff who run the website had never heard of Lolita, and to be honest no one else here had either," a spokesman told British newspapers.
    "We had to look it up on (online encyclopedia) Wikipedia. But we certainly know who she is now." Woolworths said the product had now been dropped. "Now this has been brought to our attention, the product has been removed from sale with immediate effect," the chain said.
    "We will be talking to the supplier with regard to how the branding came about."
NOTE: Eat My Words did not name the Lolita bed, although we think Lolita would make a great name for a line of junior prom dresses.